When we're just too busy to listen and talk at the same time, the solution is The Diplomat. This Dolittle "do" requires a good mirror, some sharp clippers, and a good do-it-yourself surgery video to shave, slice, and sculpt a sincere and concerned expression on the back of our head, enabling uncommon attentiveness from the back as we bark out our demands for beer and a table dance from the front.

The Blowfish

Minor surgery to implant bladders beneath the scalp is worth it! We fashion the hair into sharp spikes, and lay them flat for travel safety. But just one vigorous puff into the inflation tube, the spikes pop up, and the head is transformed into a spiny blowfish! It scares the neighbor's children, and it makes a handy flotation device in case of accident at the aquarium.

The Thrombosis

This frightening get-up uses gobs of gel and henna to create a congealed crimson mess. We can feign massive head damage, sue for personal injury, and still look great.

The Gemini Bride

This prenuptial poofant is both schizoid and appliance savvy. Lustrous ringlets dangle demurely on the left as the right side is blown wantonly forward. The styling wand is held in place with Gorilla Glue for long-lasting adhesion that will hold up during that long walk down the aisle and will survive even the most athletic of wedding nights. Hairstylist optional.

The Coupe de Seville

Sleekness never came in a roomier package. This slimming, cruise-o-matic "do" announces that we've arrived in style. Puffed out back and sides with an optional plastered-down top makes the head the cabriolet of coiffes and extends the convertible driving season by a good four weeks!

What do could outdo The Plumed Knight? This quixotic helmet of feathery pomp is preferred by those of us who fight injustice and recognize that to do good you need a good do! These layered locks are lofted with help from family members and steam from three dozen oysters, then set with Peppermint Schnapps, and dusted with cinnabar for superior absorption and long-lasting control. We will live to fight another day!

The Forbidden Do

With a margarita in one hand and a styling wand in the other, we've turned our marine-issue "high and tight" into a Guatamalan palapa bar. The palm frond perfection will have the señoritas dying to Lambada, and we'll have it made in the shade.

The Flippatollah Khomeini

We pray that Allah forgives us as we allow our camel to tongue our hair into crests, waves, and flips. This sinful western hairdo may smell like dung and saliva, but 72 percent of all virgins say it looks divine.

Going Into Orbit

They all get the point when we strut our stuff at the mall wearing this rocketlike head cone. We use a lethal amount of rubber cement and a little hydraulic fluid to build and taper our intergalactic duncecap. The height is extreme, the shape absurd, but the babes will be counting down till blastoff!

To fashion the Blackened Head Fish, we'll need a couple of 10-inch skillets set on high. The hair is combed into a fin-like wall down the center of our scalp. We press the fin between the skillets, wait until we smell something burning, then sail away.

The Crusty Mop

In a well-ventillated room, we use a sudsy combo of Windex and Clorox. Sure, the fumes are toxic, but there's no better way to prepare the scalp for the benefits of a good soaking in Future Acrylic Floor Polish. We allow the hair to dry, re-soak, let harden, and style with a hammer. Not only are we ready for the next century, but we can handle that clean-up in aisle seven in style.

One of a small number of "namesake" hairdos, the Q. P. Dahl is parted in the middle and a lock of hair is curled and left plastered on the forehead. Looking like a cheap prize at a county fair gives us that adorable look that enchants people until something more interesting comes along. Distracted, they lock us in their car with all the windows rolled up, in the middle of August, forgotten, abused, and sweating like a pig.

If we stay out too late and don't want to let on, it's the I Slept On It. Matted and flat on one side, twisted and flyaway on the other: these are the ingredients for a cheeky midmorning arrival that says, "I've been asleep all night. What do you mean, where have I been?"

The Tower of Power

Bleached spark-plug white with braided anodes and cowlicks, this high-tension zapper will transform us into another dimension. Too much peroxide and lots of Vaseline gives us blinding connectivity and maximum lift.

The Fly-by-Night or You Are the Wind Beneath My Wig

The Fly-by-Night is a flappy and flamboyant fashion that cries "look out below!" This fleet featherweight fiasco skillfully melds aerodynamically arranged extravagance with plain common sense. Razored insets provide optimum thrust and military good looks to soar above the everyday.

The Dessert

More like a dessert than hair, the mane today has been spatulated to resemble a glorious chiffonade of creamy goodness. Led by the likes of Sergio Valente and Martin Yan, tonsorial artists and culinary professionals worldwide are bowing to this new standard of excellence.

The High Boy

This shield of hair stands tall and proud. We bathe the hair in an unforgivable amount of Hair Epoxy and brush the hair skyward. We allow to set overnight in a vice, and in the morning we file, sand, wax, and buff to a mirrorlike finish. Bring on the gladiators!

The Merengue Queen

Not to be confused with the lively Latin rhythm, this billowy and eccentric follicle frolic combines the whimsy of The Dessert with a bold dash of nancy boy upbrushing that is just "too too."

The Hawk Mow

We've kept the drums beating with this brushy inverted mowhawk. Mowed down the center with the sides standing tall and proud, this hairless wind tunnel acts as a stabilizer, cools the scalp, and has the tribal elders shaking their heads in despair!

The Awful Waffle

This bouffant Belgique is created faster than we can say, "Leggo my Eggo." We simply apply solvent to the High Boy until it is soft and flame-like. We dip the hair in pancake batter, place it in the waffle iron, and let cook until the light goes off. In no time at all, we're ready for a menage au trois with Aunt Jamima and Mrs. Butterworth.

The Spinnaker

In the regatta of life, we aim for the Americas Cup. Huge and improbable, our bouffant has a concavity to rival Carlsbad. We're tacking for home, leaving the competition in our wake, and looking for all the world like Captain Bufu.

When does a hairdo become a weapon? In the heat of athletic battle, the Sportage plasters the sides down with adhesive while keeping the top fluffy and rooster-like, to confuse the competition.

The Galvestonian

A long weekend on the seashore and no shampooing. The result? An informal tonsorial presentation stiffened by salt, tar balls, and Hawaiian Tropic; as natural as aboriginal fishnet in the driftwood of the jungla pura.

The Bomb

Just in time for the holiday, we have shaped the hair in a bundt cake mold. A chunk of dry ice in the hollowed out center completes today's explosive design for a steamy fourth of July look.

The Spring Breaker

We've used some four-inch curlers and some Coppertone to sculpt this totally tubular coif. Whether it's the Bonzai Pipeline or Bell's Beach Australia, we'll be making waves, because wherever we go, the surf's up and there's no lifeguard on duty.